


Privacy Act

by eerian_sadow



Series: Flesh and Steel challenge responses [5]
Category: Transformers (Bay Movies)
Genre: Community: flesh_and_steel, Humor, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-22
Updated: 2011-04-22
Packaged: 2017-12-04 23:36:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/716347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eerian_sadow/pseuds/eerian_sadow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Epps just wants to enjoy his wife's email in peace.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Privacy Act

**Author's Note:**

> written for [](http://flesh-and-steel.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://flesh-and-steel.livejournal.com/)**flesh_and_steel** ’s Spring Fever challenge. There’s not as much spring in here as I wanted, but I definitely got the underwear. Also, i'm going by toy bio canon here, rather than the established three-unit-Arcee canon. there is no three piece Arcee toy, but there is Arcee, Chromia and Elita-1 (who's not the right color to be the third part of their trine, but i digress) and that makes much more sense to me.

[ ](http://pics.livejournal.com/eerian_sadow/pic/000s92de/)

The problem with working with giant alien robots was that they had no concept of privacy. Or, they did but it was radically different from a human definition. They never quite understood why the humans closed their doors or were sensitive about using communal showers.

It caused no end of problems among the eclectic inhabitants of the Diego Garcia base, none of which had the faintest hope of being alleviated since almost all of the rooms on base were sized to accommodate the Autobots.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Bobby Epps—Master Sergeant and Technical Specialist when he was on duty—dropped happily into the chair in front of his computer, more than ready to open the email and accompanying attachment that his wife had sent him that morning. He never knew what to expect from one of Monique’s emails, but they were always something special.

This one did not disappoint. Bobby grinned widely when he saw the file name and clicked the link to unpack the file. His grin widened when Monique’s video loaded up.

The golden lingerie she was wearing as she hung off the new stripper pole in their bedroom explained where that three hundred dollars had gone last month.

Epps leaned back in his chair, eager to watch his wife’s show and wondering idly how he would pay her back for it. His hand drifted idly to the fly of his pants as he watched her move and he began stroking himself through the cloth in time to the music she was dancing to.

“Sergeant Epps, is it not taboo to watch another member of your species in such a state of undress?”

Bobby’s mood—and his happy time—were completely ruined by Chromia’s bad timing. He spun his chair around so that he could glare at her. “First: knock, dammit! That door was closed for a reason! Second: no! I mean yes, but not when it’s my wife!”

“Your wife?” Chromia leaned down and looked more closely at the still-playing video. “She is very attractive by human standards. But I do not understand the purpose of this display.”

Epps turned back toward the screen and closed the video. “It’s a show, Chromia. A performance for entertainment purposes.”

“I know what a show is, sergeant.” The femme gave him an annoyed look—which he returned in kind. “This does not appear to be a show. This appears to be a… mating dance.”

“It is, sort of. And I was _enjoying it_ til you came in and ruined the mood.”

“But… if you are already mated, then why must she perform such a display?”

Bobby resisted the urge to thunk his head into his keyboard. “She doesn’t _have_ to. She does it because she wants to. It keeps my attention on her, you know?”

“Does she enjoy such a performance?” Chromia looked genuinely puzzled.

“Yeah, she does.” He grinned slightly. “And so do I. Which is why she sent it.”

“If your wife sent you a video recording of a performance you know you will enjoy, why did you turn it off?”

This time the human did thunk his head into the keyboard. “Chromia, do you really think I want someone else seeing my wife striping for them?”

There was a long silence as the femme accessed the internet for a definition of what Epps had just said. “You mean she deliberately removes her undergarments to entice you into a sexual reaction? And she recorded this action so that you could view it any time you wished?”

“Yes, Chromia.”

“And I have interrupted your viewing.”

“ _Yes_ , Chromia.”

“I see. My apologies.” Chromia did not actually look very apologetic. “Sergeant, may I stay and watch your wife remove her undergarments with you?”

“No.”

“But I am curious about the differences between a professional and—“

“I said no.”

“But—“

“NO! I do not want you in here watching my wife strip, because I was hoping for some stress relief while I did it!” Epps sat up and made shooing motions at her. “Now go. I’m embarrassed enough.”

Chromia gave him a confused look for a moment. “Sergeant, were you planning to masturbate to your wife’s performance?”

“God dammit, Chromia! Out!”

“But I would very much like to see such a show.”

Epps felt sudden heat rush to his face and he was glad that he was dark enough that his blush wouldn’t show very well. And he had thought she’d embarrassed him before. “Nuh uh. No way.”

“Perhaps if you were performing for your wife?” Bobby did not miss the suggestive tone in the blue femme’s voice. But the idea wasn’t a bad one, when she presented it that way.

“If I do it, you have to record it so that I can send it back to her.”

“Deal.”

Her quick agreement made him wonder if he had just given her exactly what she wanted all along, but it didn’t matter. He was committed now.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Bobby had half expected Chromia to want to get right down to business, but she had been quite amiable to the idea of him needing to get set up before the show. Admittedly, it wasn’t much of a set up—just shifting the angle of his desk so he could be more easily seen, and his laptop so that he could still see the screen and then a quick strip down into his boxer briefs.

Those had puzzled Chromia quite a bit. “Your undergarment is not the same as Major Lennox wears. Why is that?”

Epps was certain that he hadn’t ever wanted to know even that much about Will Lennox’s underwear. With a sigh, he attempted to pull a reasonable explanation out of his ass. “Uh… underwear is still clothes, so it all gets suited to our personal styles. Some guys like ridiculous boxers with super heroes on them, some guys like plain white briefs. I like these, because I don’t feel like my junk is hanging out and my wife thinks they make my ass look fantastic.”

“Your… junk? Is that some odd slang referring to your reproductive organs?” She blinked her optic shutters at him in confusion. “Why would anyone find that appropriate?”

“Look, I don’t know if you noticed this or not, but most slang ain’t appropriate.”

“Nor does it make sense,” the femme conceded. “Your wife is correct about the enhancing properties of your undergarment, however. They do, as you say, make your ass look fantastic.”

The human felt heat rush into his cheeks again, and didn’t think he had even blushed this much when he’d lost his virginity. But he was being hit on, by an alien robot and it was definitely weird. “I really wish you wouldn’t say things like that.”

“Why? I thought humans enjoyed receiving compliments, particularly when they indicate attractiveness or beauty.”

“We do.” Bobby sat back down in his chair after looking everything over to make sure it was where he wanted it. “But it’s really, really weird to hear that sort of stuff from a robot.”

“That is very contradictory,” Chromia said, folding herself down so that she could look at him on a more even level. “I have heard the humans on this base—yourself included—often remark on the attractiveness of my own species, and none of us find it uncomfortable or strange. Sideswipe, in fact, seems to crave such compliments and attention.”

“This isn’t like that. This is about me feeling like I’m being hit on by a giant alien robot that I’m not really sure is even a woman.” He frowned at her and crossed his arms. “I’d feel the same way if anybody kept using all these come on lines you’ve been dropping tonight.”

“Even your wife?” There was a touch of amusement in Chromia’s tone.

“Okay, not my wife. I kinda like it when she does it. But not anyone else.”

“But Major Lennox enjoys it when I—“

“That’s it. We’re done.” Epps stood up and closed his laptop. “I could have gotten used to the idea of you watching me get off or you hitting on me or whatever, but I’m not going to sit here while you compare me to Will Lennox. There is no human on this _planet_ that would enjoy that. Out.”

“But we haven’t made your wife’s recording.”

“I have a webcam. Out.”

“But…”

“Out.” The human pointed at the door to his quarters. “Or I call Ironhide.”

Chromia made a face that looked very much like a wince. Then she raised her torso back up and rolled toward the door with no further arguments. Epps watched her go silently.

Once she was gone, he let out a frustrated sigh and flopped back into his desk chair. “God. Women. Now I’m not even in the mood anymore.”  



End file.
